Wow...

So I realized I haven't posted in awhile so I figured I would put some stuff on here. Well I finally got a new iPod since my other one decided to go swimming. I love it so much. I feel complete now that my music is just a fingertip away =D.

So much stuff has happened that I don't tell people about because I just choose not too. They wouldn't understand so I just keep it in. It's all good though. I'll be so glad when this semester is over. I'm so drained right now. I have a meeting with my second advisor today so that should be interesting. I think it's still snowing. I'm listening to Kings of Leon. Sorry, that was really random but I figured if anyone actually reads this it should be a little random =D.

I'm actually pretty happy with the way my life is going right now. Really excited about the leadership class I'm taking at church, I'll probably go read the chapters soon. I still wish I wouldn't let people walk all over me but that is something that is really hard for me to not let happen. Oh well, just a work in progress. =D

Puzzle Piece

So I really feel like an extra puzzle piece that just happens to find its way into a puzzle box but you don't know what to do with it. I feel like that hardcore. I just don't fit anywhere and it's frustrating. It's not really anyone's fault it's just how it is. Like I'm basically happy with who I am, I just wish I could find out where I fit.

I don't know, I give up. Whatever happens happens.

Was hilft, wenn man nicht auf den rechten Weg ist?

What is the use of running if we are not on the right way?

So it has been awhile since I posted anything I feel the need to just let loose. Sorry if what I say doesn't make much sense but I need to get it out so here it goes....

I'm scared. I'm scared of so many things. I'm scared of being alone, I tend to find myself feeling alone a lot even when I am with people but it happens. I am very scared of failing. I am scared of not succeeding at what I want to do with my life. Because of this I am determined to make it even if people don't expect me to make it.

My mom is starting to worry me. Her and her boyfriend broke up and she isn't taking it well. She is doing things that worry me and I'm not sure what to do. Maybe this whole interning at the rehab place is a good thing, maybe God planned it.

On a positive note, I am making a lot of friends in my classes. I love just randomly talking to people. I would probably go insane if I didn't have people in my classes I could talk to.

No Energy...

So it feels like I have no energy right now. Not really sure why. I had like three tests this week and they weren't too bad. I just don't have the energy to really care right now.

I'm loving my new tattoo. I wish my foot wasn't swollen though. It's all itchy lol. Still can't believe I almost passed out from the pain. Oh well.

I'm learning so much from Sigma House. People are actually recognizing me and asking how I'm doing. It's very intense.

Well I don't have much else to say right now. I think I'm going to read and maybe sleep...

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
But today is a gift, that's why it's called the present

More Than A Love Song

Look into her eyes
You can see she’s crying out
She hides behind her smile
You can see the pain of doubt
And if you would hold her close
You could feel the brokenness inside
You would know she feels alone
She feels empty

She needs more then a hug on a holiday
She needs more then a smile on a Sunday
She’s not looking for you to fix what’s wrong
She really wants to know, really wants to know she belongs
She needs more then a love song

Listen to her now
Broken is a beautiful sound
She’s a little scared
She’s afraid of falling further down
But maybe if you let her know
And gave her just a little hope
Somehow if she knew the truth she’d come alive

In the end
We will learn
Actions speak louder then our words

Sigma House Recovery Center

That is where I'm going to be volunteering for the rest of the semester. I'm so excited but a little scared. I'm glad that I'm getting college credit for it but that is only a little part of it. I feel like I might have a chance to actually make a difference. I feel like this is a big opportunity for me to help people. I will be working with people recovering from alcohol and drug addiction. I'm a little scared because it's a big step.

So, I've been thinking about life and how much it has changed. Everything seems so different now. It's really strange but I guess kind of exciting. This semester I'm meeting so many new people. I'm starting to become friends with people in my classes which is awesome. There are so many funny/cool people. I still miss some of the people I don't get to see very much, it's a little sad. I'm glad that I get to hang out with some people more.... Yay puzzles!!

Oh and people should go to the MSU game on Saturday. 3:00pm at MSU (duh). Go and support Brooke!!

Tonight

was pretty awesome. Church was fun and I love our college group!! It was good to see everyone because it felt I hadn't seen them in forever. I'm so exhausted though but I don't know why.

Ghost hunters is awesome.

I'm a little nervous about tomorrow. I get to find out where I'm going to be volunteering at for Service Learning. I just hope I can make a difference.

I hope everything is going well for everyone else!!

Yay Ghetto Rigging...

Today was pretty fun. Stats is really going to stress me out but luckily I made some friends in that class. One of them is really smart so that is definately a plus. I really love meeting new people.

I really miss some people. I didn't really realize how much I would miss them. Some of the people I miss aren't even out of town but I just don't get to see them which sucks.

I'm nervous for Tuesday.....

Oh so the whole ghetto rigging thing... Skyler and I hooked up my iPod dock to my speakers that used to be on my computer and it was epic. 4 speakers and a sub hooked up to my iPod equals floor shaking music.

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

So

I think I'm going to like my classes this semester. The only class I'm a little worried about is Stats because my teacher is Chinese and it's hard to understand her. I'm excited because I might get to participate in Citizenship and Service Learning this semester. Basically I'll go to a non-profit or government orginization and do some volunteer work but receive a grade and college credit for it. I'll get to work with Psychologists in the REAL WORLD. I also want to actually interact with people. I want to actually experience what I want to do rather than just learning about it. It will be almost like an internship. Hopefully I'll actually feel like I'm making a difference.

Escaping

I find myself doing a lot of that lately. Basically all I do right now is listen to my iPod. I don't really know why but I just keep feeling like I need to escape so I just turn on my iPod and zone out for awhile. I guess it's almost like meditation. Hopefully actually starting school will help.

Next weekend I get to see my baby niece that I haven't seen since she was born. I also get to see family members that I either haven't seen since Christmas, Graduation, or I can't remember the last time I saw them. It's really strange to think about.

I really don't know what to think about life right now. The only way I can think to describe it is blah....

You’ve been known to obsess over the future
Do you think you’ll get away from the past?
As you starve yourself just to make it through ‘til midnight
Consider what you might have found.
You think you’ve got a good thing now.

I found God in a catalytic converter
In Topeka on a Monday night.
Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future
So you know it keeps me hanging around.
No, you can’t keep a good man down.

School

I'm actually so excited for school to start again for many reasons. I feel like school is my escape. As weird as that sounds, I just love going to school and learning about things that actually interest me instead of stupid things that I'm never going to use. I hated it when teachers would say "You'll need to know this one day"... No I wont. Shut up, I'm never going to use that. I love college so much. I know a lot of you are nervous or scared or worried about starting college but it's really not that bad. All of you are smart and intelligent people so college wont be that much of a stretch for you. If you ever feel overwhelmed just remember that it will all be worth it. Just had to get that out there.

Championships were so awesome. I was so overwhelmed by the music and just in awe of everything. I really can't even explain it. I don't really know what to say about the rest of the trip though. Not in a good or bad way, I just don't really know what to say. There were moments when I just wanted to drive somewhere and go think but I couldn't. I don't really know why but I did. I thought a lot while driving, some of it wasn't pleasant but I did a lot of thinking. I realized I hate big cities. Even though Indy isn't really that big I didn't like it. I don't really like St. Louis either. I like the size of Springfield. I understand other people wanting to get out of here and totally respect that but for some reason, I'm hooked on it. I really love it here.

I find myself at a loss for words. There are so many times lately that I've found myself completely speechless. I just don't know what to say anymore. Man I wish life was more like my dreams.....

I Used To Be Somebody Else....

I had a sad realization today. Actually I've had it a few times but today it really kind of depressed me. I don't really know what to think about it. I realized I don't really have a best friend. Kind of weird to think about. I have people I'm close to and people that I'm really good friends with but no one that is like my best friend. It's really strange. I have had people that I once considered my best friends but things change. It seems like things always change. It depresses me a little bit but I'm still mostly happy. It's only really hits me when I'm just sitting here thinking about life. I think it could be the fact that I'm scared to tell people my life story. Not because I'm really ashamed of it but just because I don't know if people could handle it or if they would even accept me after the whole thing.

It could be that I've changed a lot and it's hard to keep up with someone who is changing. So this Hawk Nelson song just came on that fits perfectly called Somebody Else.

"I used to be somebody else,
I'm holding out for a good reason
The people around me, they all seem to tell me
That I tend to change like the seasons,
I used to be somebody else. "

Rock The River

So I've decided that one way or another, I am going to that. I just have to sweet talk my mom.

DCI in two weeks....

SO MUCH AWESOMENESS!!

I feel....

like my whole life has changed in a week. I've never had anything impact me like this last week has. I can't remember ever crying so much but not being sad about it. Meeting so many people and being to share such an intense experience with was.... there isn't even a word for it. There moments when I wondered why I decided to come, but then later that day something would happen and I would realize that there was a reason for me coming. It wasn't what I expected at all. It was so much different than my expectations. I felt so close to people I barely even knew. I want to go back so bad, I want to just escape back there. You are basically cut off from the world and I loved it so much. I actually felt like I made a difference. Who knew a bunch of middle schoolers could impact my life so much.

It was such a roller coaster. There were moments I felt so out of place it killed me and then other times I just felt like I was home. It was strange the places I felt most at peace or at home. I didn't think I would miss it as much as I am. I managed to get pretty close with some of the kids and I was not expecting that.

Now I'm back to the real world and it kinda sucks. I don't know what to do about certain things but I just have faith that things will work out as they should. I don't understand some people at all, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs but I know it wont help. I'll just accept that that is they way they are and keep loving them.

I wanna go back....

You and Onions

is a really good song (thank you Brooke for make me download the CD =D).

I really don't know what to think about life right now. Last night was pretty awesome even though I saw my life flash before my eyes a few times. Life is so crazy right now. I find myself just sitting there feeling lost. Hopefully next week will be a nice break for me. I really can't wait for camp, it will be really nice to escape for awhile.

Why can't I just be happy for her? It's still so weird. He puts money in purse, pays for my new tires and oil change, and buys me fireworks. The jokes don't really help much but there isn't a whole lot I can do about that.

I guess only time will tell....

Interesting

So things have been interesting lately. Things are a little stressful right now. I actually can't wait until my fall classes start up. I don't think I will ever take summer classes again.

I find myself sitting on the outside a lot. Feeling kind of out of place. Oh well, that's life I guess...

Laugh Awkwardly....

That's basically all I did this weekend. I was really hoping I could escape but I guess nothing works out the way you hope it does. Friday was okay, I'm so glad Jenean helped me escape and then I stayed at my sister's house. After that, things were so weird. I just don't know what to do at all.

That pissed me off, not going to lie. What the hell, why are people like that. At least one person understood....

Great Day

So far today has been awsome. I officially get to go to camp. I gave my first graded speech today (39/40) WOOT WOOT. I'm in a pretty awesome mood right now. A few things are still stressing me out but I'll deal with it.

Weirder

Things have gotten weirder. I don't even know what to do anymore. I know people joke about it and everything and I laugh but its weirding me out. I'm probably going to spend a lot of time in Nixa this weekend. I just don't want to be here this weekend.

I'm starting to regret taking summer classes. If I would have known how complicated things would have gotten this summer I don't think I would've taken them. I'm starting to get so stressed out because I'm being pulled in two directions by people that are supposed to care.

Gah... why can't life be simple like it was in Kindergarten?

Weird

Things are weird... I don't know what to say.... Hope I get to help out at camp.... That sucks.... Nobody knows fully what I'm talking about.... Gotta keep going.... Stop thinking.... Blah....

Thursday

Was so much fun. Mainly Thursday night. Staying at DQ until like 10:30 and getting free fries while trying to keep 12 year olds from hitting on us.... ah good times.

Well off to do some work...

Money...

sucks, at least not having any sucks. This month is going to suck. I'll figure it out though.

These last few days have been pretty awesome though. Today was hillarious. I love going to the softball games.

I'm not looking forward to summer class. Oh well. I'm super excited for wednesday.

New Moon... Jacob.... No shirt.... HOTT!!

Yesterday

was pretty much amazing. Even though I have a horrible sun burn. I have lovely raccoon eyes going on. Hurts pretty bad but it's my fault for sitting outside or like 5 or 6 hrs in straight sunlight without sunscreen. Summer classes start tomorrow... crap.

Golden Girls and Scrubs

always make me laugh. Today was pretty rough but those shows made it all better. Boredome can be a scary thing. I think too much when I'm bored. Summer classes start Monday... I'm actually glad I'm taking them because I'm thinking about the future. I honestly don't really care. It might suck now but hey it's all good. It'll all be worth it in the end. Soon I'll be Dr. Lindsay McFarland. HA! How scary is that? hehe.

I've realized I'm lucky to know exactly what I want to do with my life, now it's just a matter of getting there.

Mythbusters

So I'm watching Mythbusters right now and it's hillarious. They're tested the theory of beer goggles. HEHE, the last episode involved banana peels and lubricant.... yeah weird but sooo funny.

This week has been such a hard week for me, but not in the usual way. I had a lot of fun. Watching softball games, making chocolate covered oreos, driving around aimlessly, it has all been pretty awesome. However, I find myself constantly on edge. Everything is getting to me lately. A lot is getting on my nerves and I find myself wanting to snap and go off but keep my mouth shut because I believe I'm just cranky. IDK, maybe I'm just PMSing.

I want to watch some fireworks....

So...

Things are interesting right now. Some days have been more stressful than others but I can't really complain too much. It's been a weird couple of days... I'm really excited for tomorrow and thursday though.

Does anyone ever have those moments where you suddenly feel completely out of place?

TORN!!!

So torn, GRRRRRRRRR

Church

I guess I'm going to church tonight because I didn't really know people were actually going to the countdown thing but oh well. Wouldn't be the first time this has happened. Oh well, I'm going to stay in a good mood damnit. I have to give Stephen his Oreos. I'm done with finals and I sold my books back and now I have a few weeks to relax before summer classes. All things considered I'm a pretty happy person.

I'm torn....

I'd Rather...

Have the swine flu then take finals... LOL, I saw a piece of flair that said that and I just had to share it. 4 finals down, one more to go. After tomorrow I'll be done and my brain will be all mushy. But tomorrow is Wednesday which means CHURCH!! I gotta go to Walmart and buy some oreos though... I hope everyone has fun at the band banquet tonight. Well I'm off to Walmart, keep smiling =D

Lost

That is what I am with a capital L. No idea what's going on but oh well. I guess I'll just go back to messing with my sister's dog (okay random but I had to say I had a dyslexic moment there and typed god... twice). I'll probably also studying for another final. 2 down, 3 to go.

Anger

First I just want to say you two are f'in amazing so just deal with it. No matter what you two think it's freaking true. I don't care if you think I'm just saying it. It's what I believe. You two just don't even realize how incredible you both are and it really makes me upset when you two doubt it.

I want to fix everything. I realized that last night. I have this urge to try and fix everything. It kills me when I know there is nothing I can do to fix it. I would do anything to fix or help whatever people are going through. To make everything all better. To make them happy even though I know there isn't a thing I can do about it. I hate feeling helpless. I felt so helpless. I didn't know what to say but then I did but didn't think I should say them. Is it really my place? Should I sit back and let people fix their own problems or step in? This is why I'm going into pyschology, at least I know that I'm allowed to tell those people what's wrong and what is going on and help them fix it.

I would give anything to be able to fix the problems of those I care about. Everything I have I would give. Hell, I would even give up music and reading and those who know me know how much those thing mean to me. I would willing take on their unhappiness just so they would laugh and smile and laugh again.

There are few things worse than wanting to do something, anything to help and not being able to do anything.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.

The stars are so big, the earth so small, stay as you are.

Scheduling

for two different schools really sucks. Good thing I'll probably only deal with this once.

This weekend was pretty awesome. Saturday was amazing. I think I pulled a muscle in my leg though because going up and down stairs suck!!! And it's so awesome that all my classes are on the 2nd floor of the buildings. Yay for using a laptop as a heating pad =D I'm resourceful. Well I don't know what else to say at this point in time except...


Who needs boys when you have allergies? ;D

So

I'm sitting here pretty bored thinking about life.

I'm still covered in glitter. It was so fun helping Brooke get ready for prom. Of course Brooke looked hot ;). Sparkly clear? I hope everyone has an awesome time.

Sometimes I wish things were different. I wish I was different. But not completely different. I think my problem is I always wonder what people think when they see me or hangout with me. I guess I'm just a very curious person.

It's not all bad though. I've had some really great moments. Moments that I wish I could capture and put in a box to keep so when I needed a pick me up, it would be there.

Oh well, happy thoughts. =D

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia

I'm a little perplexed by things right now

So

I really don't know what to say anymore

Hugs

for those who are having bad days. All I can say is I'm sorry. Unfortunately I don't control the world and I can't make it better for everyone.

I finished scheduling!! =D Double major he we go!!

Scheduling...

Is a pain in the arse but oh well, it's worth it. (Crossing fingers everything works out) =D

I wish...

I wouldn't let little annoying impact how I feel. I wish I wouldn't let things people say upset me...

Oh well, at least I didn't punch him. Points for me?

Everything Happens For A Reason

This blog will be mostly filled with some words of wisdom...

"There is nothing more painful in life than to be invisible. Try never to make anyone in your life feel that way."

"Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what."

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

"Ignorance isn't really bliss. But some days it's just easier."

"Every action has a consequence"

"In five hundred years, none of this will matter."

"God has a sense of humor. Just look at a zebra and tell me what was going on in his mind that day."

"A rose by any other name still has thorns."

"At almost any moment, you have the power to change your destiny."

Get The Donkey Out Of The Hole

This week has been strange and stressful. Chuch was fun though like always. I'm in a book reading mood.... hmmm

Tata for now

Today

Was a total waste of time, energy, and makeup. GRRRR. I found out some really bad news today and I'm a little scared, wait no I'm a lot scared. ='(

Maybe the day will get better...

If All Else Fails

Ducks make good baseballs, especially when your only tennis ball goes flying over the school. OOOPS.

So I'm going to be going to the doctor soon, I'm getting sick which sucks hardcore. Another sinus infection. Woohoo.

I don't know if it's because I'm getting sick or what but lately I've been feeling really down lately. Just been really blah. I don't what to do though. I'll just deal with it.

Find out who your friends are....

Colors

make me smile.
Colors bright with cheer,
something something right here

Red like an apple
green like our tree
sunshine is yellow
blue like the sea

LMAO that was really funny. Yesterday was pretty funny even if we went home by midnight which is an early night for us. Oh well it was a good night.

Well...

aint that a kick in the head....

Moose...

(Insert hand motions here)

So last night was really fun even though I have a huge bruise from church. It was awesome though.

What the hell is going on lately? I just don't even know what to say anymore. All I can say is that there are a few people that I know I can talk to and hang out with.

I'm sorry that what a person or persons have done have ruined things for other people. They don't deserve it. They are getting hurt and are paying for the mistakes of others. Oh well, I'm here for those who need it.

"...Because everyone loves a happy..."
(those who were there know the rest LMAO)

HAHAHAHAHA

Has everyone been to the point where they are so irritated all they can do is laugh? That's how I am right now. I just can't help but laugh at life. It actually makes it better. Maybe I'm going a little bit insane but who knows. There kind of seems to be a lot of negativity going around. Not saying it's bad or wrong because I don't know the situation but just pointing it out. I'll be positive now. I'm so freaking glad I was able to get know some people this year. I've gotten really close to some people this year.

Oh and Sunday I went to the Unitarian Universalist Church and it was really interesting. Just throwing that out there because I thought it was fascinating.

OMG guess what I just remembered, Tamagochis. Those things were so annoying. I think I killed like twelve of them. Sorry really random but I just saw a commercial for them. Tehehe.

Last Week...

Really opened my eyes to a lot of things, hmmm. People can still amaze me in positive and negative ways.

I'm SOOOO proud of the guard and drumline. I wish I could've seen the guard and the drumline but life doesn't always work out how you wanted it to.

It is time to say good-bye to some people. To let them go and do what they must with their lives. I can no longer try and pretend to be a part of it. They clearly don't need me which is fine so I hope things work out for the best for them.

"I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better."
~Plutarch

"A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down."
~Arnold H. Glasow

"Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies."
~Aristotle

Last Night

Was really fun. My arm hurts so bad from bowling so much. Bowling five games was ridiculous, but it only cost $7.50!! I'm glad I got to spend some time with the kids from the youth group.

Ghost Hunters was really freaking awesome...hmmm ice cream lol.

Oh and funny haha moment, I love how I'm talking to the most random people right now. I'm not sure if I'm ready for spring break to be over. I don't think so. I've read so much and it relaxes me. YAY BOOKS!!

Epiphany

Well the drive didn't go so well... woops. Looks like I wont have a car tomorrow...

Epiphany, what a fun word. But I've had an epiphany over break, actually I've had a few. Some aren't all that pleasant but realizations aren't always pleasant. I don't really feel like discussing exactly what I've found out. I have realized that some people just straight up don't care no matter how much they claim they do. It's part of life, some people might actually want to care but they just don't have the capacity to care. They might care if they want something in return but that's it. This doesn't really sadden me, just life.

I have the urge to go for a drive and just keep driving. I wish I could drive until there was no longer a road to follow and even then find a boat or a plane to take me farther away. Just to escape for awhile and not have to worry about anything.

After Saturday we'll just have to wait and see what happens and where life leads....

"Trouble is a friend but trouble is a foe, oh oh.And no matter what I feed him he always seems to grow, oh oh.He sees what I see and he knows what I know, oh oh.So don't forget as you ease on down the road"
~ "Trouble is a Friend" by Lenka

BORED!!

So I'm really bored right now. I could do homework but I don't really want to. I'll just keep watching Scariest Places on Earth... Dun Dun Dun

Well that just ruined my day, why did I have to check that? GRRNESS

Last night was pretty fun. The movie was hillarious. I was a little worried during the day about things but everything turned out good which is really awesome.

It's going to be weird not having church on Wednesday but hopefully I'll get to see the youth group kids anyways lol.

Don't know what I'm going to do about Thursday or Saturday....

"It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not."
~ James Gordon

BLAH!!

Who knew one week could be so draining? Once again I'm so glad to be on break. I don't really have any plans for break. Except for possibly Wednesday... hopefully I'll get to go bowling with the awesome youth group from church!!! So I'm really sad that Natasha Richardson died. I'm watching "The Parent Trap" right now and it's saddening. That and another event makes me realize how precious life is....

I don't know what I'm going to say but hopefully the person will appreciate the thought and the effort.... We'll see.

Quote time:
"I'm going to come over there, smack you, and tell you to go to your bed"
~Chris Williams

Yum Decorative Icing

So church tonight was really fun and McDonald's was pretty exciting. I'm excited for this cookie cake. Ghost Hunters is awesome. This is really random. I think I'm going to take a break from some things for awhile. Some things are just starting to irritate me so I'm just gonna take a break for a little bit. I'll still talk to some people....

Oh and it's really funny what people say when they don't think you'll find out.... it's funny. It really makes me laugh. Oh well, off to play with icing.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

That's Nice...

That's really nice.... Tonight was interesting.... found out some interesting things..... I'm just sitting here listening to Chris help Brooke with her homework.... I want to smack some people though.... oh well... I guess some people don't know me as well as the would like to pretend they do

The Future...

Is scary but exciting. I'm working out my schedule for the summer and fall and it is really intense. Today was a really weird day... I also realize I have three tests this week, ewwie. I'm looking forward to a lot of sleeping over spring break, yayness.

By the way Lenka is freakin awesome!!

"Thanks for bein' you.Thanks for bein’ all things I had to say goodbye to. Im over bein' lied to. Im over bein’ pushed into the person that you want me to become."
~"Bring Me Down" by Lenka

This Weekend

was really interesting. Parts were fun other parts just annoyed the hell out of me. I think Friday was probably my favorite. Yay for getting in the hot tub for the first time since middle school. I'm glad there are certain people I feel comfortable enough to do that with and I wasn't disappointed ;D. I like getting to know people better, even though I've realized I have drifted away from some people. It happens. I am loving college right now. Everything seems to be going pretty well. There things that still bother me or annoy me but I can't really do anything about. Well I'm off to do some reading. YAY!!

Wowness...

All I'm going to say is wow...

People make me giggle in good and bad ways. YAY

Changes...

I think it's interesting to think about how things have changed. Evaluating whether those changes are good or bad is tricky. I believe it depends on where you are in life. You might think ithe changes are horrible but then looking back a few days, weeks, months, or even years can make it appear amazing. I've come to terms with things that have happened in my life and have realized that I can't change what happened. I can embrace what happened and move on. I'm tired of trying to hold on to all the negative.

I find it funny how people can be blinded by happiness, is that a good thing or a bad thing? On one hand they are happy but on the other hand they ignore everything. I don't really know, I just know it's intriguing.

"I will never be, I will never be you, no I will always be, I will always be me, that I know But oh, even though I'm happy being me I want to get away from all this harsh reality, oh Gimme a break, a little escape I am so tired of being me I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different Anything I'm not"
Anything I'm Not by Lenka

Funny

Last night was really awesome. I don't really know what to think about the movie but that's just me. I think I kept laughing at inappropriate moments. Fazzoli's was pretty funny. Andy's was awesome. Going to Chris' to watch Major Payne was great. Such a classic movie.

So life is interesting right now. I don't really know what to say or think about it. I'm very uncertain about the future. I do know one thing, I am determined to make something of myself. I'm not going to sit around and let people do things for me, I will make things happen for myself and I will be successful. I also established I really don't care what some people think. I am who and I am and everyone else can deal with it.

I love my friends

So...

Last night was really fun. I love the girls in the youth group. I'm glad it was fun and drama free lol. :D

I'm still wishing I could fix everyone's problems

Looking through a blur of tears...

So I'm crying right now but not for myself. I am pretty happy right now but I cry for others...

I cry those who can't cry for themselves; either because they don't want to, they don't have the strength, or they don't see the point.

I cry for my friends who have experienced or are experiencing pain. I weep for those who matter. I wish I could steal your pain away but I don't know if I am strong enough to handle what those of you are going through.

I cry for my own weaknesses and inability to take your pain or carry it.

I cry for all your problems for no problem is too small for me to weep for.

I let myself cry and am relieved to know I feel your sadness. It truly shows you all matter to me. My heart breaks while it grows. My heart may be in pieces but the pieces grow.

I cry with hope; I hope you all have all the happiness in the world. Rejoice in knowing that all who read this have affected my life somehow; you have not gone through the world unnoticed.

I love you guys.

(I really don't know where this came from and I'm sorry if it's depressing but I felt that I needed to put this out there)

I Want Some Books...

I'm so drained right now. Not really sure why but I am.

I was really looking forward to going to St. Louis but oh well.

I'm kind of lost right now... I don't really know what to do. I don't know what to do about a lot of things.

Growing up sometimes sucks...

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
~Albert Einstein

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do."
~Dale Carnegie

"To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. "
~Elbert Hubbard

I Don't Know What To Put Here...

Life kind of makes me laugh right now.

People are so dumb.

I'm glad I know which people I can hang out with and not end up feeling horrible at the end of the night.

I enjoy not being invisible.

I'm hoping for a storm, I love storms.

I love my friends...

Life

Is a dance, you learn as you go.

I'm definately learning a lot of things. Saturday was fun but I found myself having deep thoughts at random moments. I realized that I don't mean much to some people. I'm okay with that. I know I matter to some people so that's good enough for me. I'm thinking about double majoring in Psych and Religious Studies. Scary but I think I could do it.

I'm looking forward to the future and what it will bring

Blarg...

So tonight was interesting... wasn't really bad or good. Just kinda blah...

I have two tests tomorrow, Intro to Philosophy and Religion in America. I was nervous but now not so much. Luckily I remember a lot of crap randomly. I am loving my religion classes, I'm seriously learning so much interesting stuff. I wish I was taking Psychology classes though.. I'm a big dork =D

I've been having some deep thoughts lately. I am currently thinking about what my place in the world is. I'm wondering what it is now and what it will be in the future. It's quite intriguing, a little sad if I think too in-depth but mostly it's okay.

Life Is What You Make It

Well, Well, Well...

How things can change. It really amazes me. I also find it intriguing how some people seem to forget you exist, even if you are in the same room with them. How funny is that?

It's really funny to suddenly be pushed to the side. That's always fantastic. Especially when you've helped those people so much. Oh well, maybe that's my role in life, help and then disappear.

Oh well, those that matter will not forget me =D

Fun times...

Yesterday was a good day. Hanging out until like 4 a.m. was awesome. I was really worried that it was going to be a sucky day but that changed. I love my friends!!

Chris... I found that other card by the way. How's your butt?

Brooke... True friendship is when.... (you know the rest) I'm pretty sure we're like the only two people that would laugh about that...

Man I'm a fan of the dots today.... yay dots.

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you"
~Dale Carnegie

Life...

Is interesting and pretty fun at the moment.

I'm pretty cheerful about life at the moment, not sure why but I am. I think it's just because I'm really not letting things get to me and I'm just rolling with the punches. Shit happens... That's life.

Life is full of up's and down's, I'm enjoying the ride and hanging on for dear life. :D

Well I'm off, going to go read my Bible for my New Testament class. YAY!!

"I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

"It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
~J. K. Rowling

MMMM Cheez-Its.....

So this weekend has been pretty fun. There were some weird moments but overall it was awesome.

Saturday was EPIC!! I didn't expect the game to escalate to that degree but it was so fun.

It is so awesome when people can just relax and have fun. It's cool to just be able to sit around and just have fun. No drama, no issues, no real stupidity. The only thing you had to worry about was protecting certain areas....

I'm glad hanging out with just you two isn't awkward (at least for me so I hope it isn't for you). Normally if I just hangout with a couple I feel out of place and awkward but it really wasn't. Thank you guys for that. You two are both amazingly awesome people. Dr. Who was so funny...

Well I guess I'm off to work on homework, ewwie. I just keep thinking this is all getting me closer to my goal...

Oh and by the way, I'm totally not looking forward to this whole week...

"To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act."
~Anatole France

"Dreams that do come true can be as unsettling as those that don't"
~Brett Butler

Reflections...

I don't understand what's happened. So many things have changed and shifted that I feel a little lost. I find myself looking around and wondering how I got where I am now. I look in the mirror and wonder who I am. I hope I'm a good person, but I'm not sure sometimes. I'm pretty sure I'm loved but wonder by whom? I know I'm fairly smart but not as smart as others. I think about all this and wonder what other people see when they look at me. I constantly think about whether they are seeing my positives or my negatives. I know I constantly worry about whether others approve or not. I shouldn't care but I do.

I really can't wait until I get my degree. I really really want to start helping more people in bigger ways. I want to get my doctorate already. I'm looking into joining Psi Chi which is the National Honor Society in Psychology.... hopefully it will work out. I just realized I'm scared shitless....

"Courage is fear that has said its prayers."
~Dorothy Bernard

JUST STOP

Ok seriously if people are going to talk about eachother, people might as well have the guts to say it to that person's face otherwise just shut up.

Help...

I really need to learn to not let little things effect me. It's a really big problem I have. Unfortunately not letting things effect me is easier said then done.

I really want to drive around and speed, not always smart but it helps me think...

HOLY $#%&

I hope I never have to experience that again....

I Don't Know...

Yesterday was an interesting day. It kinda seemed like a huge cluster f%&*$. The guard did really well though and I'm proud of them. I'll get workikng on those ideas for future air grams. There seemed to be so much stuff going on and even though it didn't really effect me I seem to be at the center of it. Did I do the right thing? Should I have just laughed it off and not done anything? I think they're happy so I guess that's a good thing. Maybe I'm just being negative. I guess we'll just wait and see.

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."
~Andy Warhol

WTF

What the hell is wrong with people? I find myself constantly at a loss for words with people. I don't understand why people would do the things they do. Do they think it's funny? Do they get some sick pleasure out of saying or doing certain things? Maybe that's why I want to be a Psychologist. I want to try and figure out what the hell is wrong with people. Is it the constant need to bring other's down so they feel less inferior? All I know is that I am so sick of all the jerks (I'm trying to keep myself edited here) in the world. I really wish I could take certain things onto myself so others wouldn't have to deal with it. I wish so much that all my friends could be happy in this world. I know that without the bad, the good wouldn't be as good, but seriously there has to be some kind of limit. I know I can't have everything, but could my friends at least be happy? That would be enough for me. I wish I could eliminate the effect of the ugliness of this world on my friends. Unfortunately I can't. All I can do is offer them support when the need it.

People really should learn to mind their own business. I know it sounds a little strange after what I just said but it's honestly the truth. I don't get involved in anything unless people ask to talk to me about stuff. Even then I offer my advice and let what happens happens. When people start putting themselves in the middle of things, it only makes things worse. More people just end up getting pissed because they feel the need to defend their friends. Don't F with other people's friends. It's not right.

I really wish people would grow up and just become all together better people. No one is going to like someone who puts others down. People should think before they say stuff. For once think about how it will effect those around you. I know I'm not perfect, I'm no where near perfect. But at least I try to consider how others will react to what I say. People just seriously need to mature a little and stop trying to control everything. You can't, people control their own lives. DEAL WITH IT!

Sorry to go on a rant but seriously I'm so sick of all this BS. If people wanted your opinion they would ask. It's not okay to insult people no matter what. Don't think you know everything and can control everything. Above all, don't F with people I am close to. It really pisses me off.

(This isn't just about one person by the way, this is about multiple things and multiple people)

I'M FINE

Seriously I'm ok now. Stop worrying. If I need/want to talk about it I will. Everything is okay now.

The Goddess

Is officially pissed off. A totally relaxing snow day just turned into a shit storm. The worst part is I can't talk to anyone about it. I can't remember the last time I was this pissed. How the hell do certain people get my number? Do they have a special radar that beeps whenever I am actually happy so they know when to come and screw everything up? Why do they feel the need to keep showing up and messing my life up more? They already f'ed up my life that should be enough. This whole thing is going to get worse before it gets better... wish me luck

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"

Depressing Mood...

Kinda in a sad mood, not sure why...

Why can't it be me....

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do"
-Dale Carnegie

Wow

I don't even really know what to say...

Last night was so amazing. I love being able to just act crazy and not be judged or be looked at like I'm crazy. It was also nice to have people go crazy right along with me.

Between the jelly things, pachinko, monkies, cubers, Vrooke, Chrus, waxing his car?, and I'm sure there's more but we'll just leave it at that.

I freakin love you guys.

"Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities by thinking absurdly about them."
-Lewis Mumford

Revelation

What do you do when you look around and realize your life isn't what you expected it to be? You look around and things that you thought would stay the same are suddenly totally different. Things you thought were going to be different are really the same. People that you thought were always going to be there aren't and those you thought would never be there are always there. It is really strange and slightly scary. You realize your dreams have changed, your thoughts have changed, and everything you thought you wanted does not matter. It's like coming to a cross road only not. A cross road has two clear options, you either go one way or the other. This is more like standing in front of the flight departure board at an airport. Where shall I go? Bangkok, Beijing, Egypt, London, Paris, Italy? So many choices, how can you ever know which one is right? It's like when you realize life isn't what you expected. You can change it, let it keep going, re-evaluate, change some things, drop things, or just simply not care. I'm not sure which way is right or whether or not it will actually be a good thing or whether it will be easy. All I know is that there's no way to go but forward.

"The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want."
-Ben Stein

"Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you."
-Wally "Famous" Amos

Non-Cryptic

Cullen, I'm not being cryptic.

There you go!!

Happiness

I LOVE MY FRIENDS SO MUCH AND I AM SO HAPPY FOR THEM!!!

"Do not walk in behind me, I may not lead. Do not walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."
-Unknown

Well...

Well when it rains it pours.

"The words that enlighten the soul are more precious then jewels."
-Hazrat Inayat Khan

"Just because you are blind, and unable to see my beauty doesn't mean it does not exist."
-Margaret Cho

Thinking...

For this blog I decided to just share some of my favorite quotes that reflect how I'm feeling, enjoy:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. "

"For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit... start whenever you want... you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."
-Benjamin Button

I Don't Know...

A lot of things have been on my mind lately. I don't even really want to talk about everything that's on my mind because I doubt people would understand but I guess I will mention a few things but keep it somewhat vague.

I don't like when others insult my opinion. Most of the time people don't realize they are doing it but it happens and it irritates me. I know that some may not understand my opinion or agree with it which is fine, but please don't insult it. I try to keep an open mind with everything and everyone and try not to walk all over what others believe. I'm not asking people to agree with me, that would be boring, I'm just asking that people respect that it's my opinion. If people truly care about me as a person then why do they insist on dragging my belief through the dirt? Again I understand that people don't always agree which again is fine, I just wish people wouldn't insult me by insulting my opinion.

Anothing thing that has kind of been bothering me is that I don't handle some situations correctly. I guess this is my fault but all I can say is I'm sorry. I don't always know what to do. I'm not perfect, I'm no where near perfect. I know there are times when I need to speak up and other times when i need to keep my mouth shut. I can't always make the right choice at the right time. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself but I will say that I've been drained mentally and emotionally lately and find it easier to just not think. That doesn't make it right, it's just the truth. I'm sorry if people get pissed at me because of it but I just don't really know what else to do. Again I apologize for whatever I did or didn't do.

My last thing that I will say that is serious is that I am dealing with things right now that I have decided to not tell anyone. No one knows what I am going through right now because I choose not to have anyone know. I am keeping things to myself and dealing with them myself because I feel that's best right now. I know others are dealing with issues so nobody needs to worry about my issues either. I just push it aside whenever I'm around people so no one expects it and just enjoy the moment.

I'll end on a semi-happy note. With everything that has happened, I am still surprisingly happy. I'm sorry if others aren't and I wish I could help but sometimes you just have to find your own happiness. I really find happiness in little things; the blueness of the sky, the comfort of my bed, the laughter of my friends, a funny joke, getting a question right in class, understanding a debate, the memories of fun times, the smell of my favorite scent, and numerous other little things. I find that these things make things better. As stupid as it is, it is true. There are crappy things going on but I try to not let those completely take over my life because then I'm giving those things too much power. As hard as it is, sometimes I just have to let things go and move on with my life. If people are up to take the journey with me then great, if not then I hope life is good to you.

I really do love my life and everyone in it.

"People are like stained glass windows; they sparkle and shine when the sun is out but when darkness sets it, their true beauty is seen only if there is a light within"
~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

So school starts back up for me tomorrow... crap. Oh well at the rate I'm going I will graduate early :D. I realize I'm in a deep philosophical mood, anyone else or is it just me?

Quote of the Post:

"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you."
-Emerson

My First Ramble; Be Afraid

So this is my first one and I feel I should make it a good one, crap. Well since I have been on break of from school I have done a lot of thinking (dun dun dun). I've realized I'm actually pretty content with my life, not really anything to complain about so I wont. I have realized that there are some negatives in my life but oh well. It happens. I've realized there are some people that are just straight up negative things. It's just the way of the world. It sometimes seems impossible to avoid such negative parts of life but by golly I'm trying my damndest. That's right I just used "golly" and "damn" in the same sentence. I am actually a pretty positive person right now. I actually look on the bright side of life and I actually wake up excited to see what happens that day. There are also moments when I just sit and laugh at all the dumb ass stuff that goes on. It really makes me giggle. Well I honestly don't really know what else to say so I shall end this now but before I go I shall leave all you children with a quote:

“Life can only be understood looking backward. It must be lived forward.”
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button